My birthday was on a Sunday.

I spent friday with my friends we were planning future possible vacation trips together. My friend gave me a birthday cake and had everyone sing me happy birthday. The gesture was nice. However, he and I have similar birthdays. He was born what day after me. We have been friends since I was 17. We have always gifted each other gifts on our birthdays. When I say gifts I mean the following: cards or gifts with meaning.

BUT THIS YEAR all I got was a birthday cake from a store that they had to ask what my favorite flavor was… It felt like they did not know me at all.

I gifted him a card, gift card for a store that I know that they would like, a 2-person beach towel (they like the beach) and water color paintset and a tech device.

I felt betrayed and let down. I do not care for monetary gifts but I at least expected a card with words on it. I simply could not believe it. I did get an instagram story post which I did not care for. It felt like a slap in the face. I dont care for displays of lukewarm social media post. Its not real.

I spiraled after that. I am not sorry for feeling this way. I am only sorry to myself for feeling that the friendship mattered. I clearly give to much. I am done. It was like something clicked in my head, they do not care the same way I do. So I stopped. On their birthday I did not post a story and sent generic happy birthday text. I checked out that day. We are not real friends. I am just someone they go to a work out class with because they have no one else to go with.

That’s the kind of realization that both frees and bruises at the same time.

Saturday. My other friends and I spent our day taking an art class and it was a great time. We ate food after. There gifts were meaningful and that was what mattered. Not the price tag. The intention.

Sunday. I spent the day alone. I wanted to be swallowed by the earth. Happy 25th to me.